Oblivion; unaware or unconscious of what is happening around one. Yeah that's my fear for now. Not because I'm drown into "The Fault in Our Stars" book but this is it, the feeling or situation that yourself can't even explain in a simple word. I myself, always think of something ridiculous or magic gonna happen to my life but I guess I need to wait or in my case I need to struggle. The oblivion i'm talking about is about myself, I live in a place where I'm all alone by myself and I guess that's my fault for not having many friends. There's the time I need someone to talk or shoulder to cry on. I always feel numb on my own feeling and I feel like my whole world empty and I dont know what's happening on that moment. You know that every person always have the one day, where everything isn't right no matter what you do. I had that moment quite a lot but I can't do anything about it. I worried sick what's gonna happen to my family and myself of course. I only have parents and a sister yet I couldnt do anything for them. That little thing really bother me so much. As much as I can't breathe when I cry so hard, that's how I feel.
I'm afraid I don't have much time, either one of us gonna go someday, yeah that's reality which I refuse to talk about. Maybe myself or maybe them. As much as I want to make them feel happy, I have no strength to stand again and do something. I'm getting older so they are and getting hurt by others is one of the matters that make me feel so small. I only have God to talk with and only to Him I cry myself out loud. Sometimes I feel ashamed, asking for more from Him while I'm just a useless human being. At some point, I'd rather let myself being hurt by others instead of knowing my parents being hurt. I don't mind peoples talking bad about me because I know I'm not a good person but I want to be a good child to my parents. I couldnt do much in this life I guess. Its not like i'm giving up, but sometimes when you're hanging with one hand to survive, you need to sacrifice yourself so that others would safe and sound. I will not giving up for my family, not even having a second thought. I believe everyone want their own life pleasure, so do I, but since I was small I have this one goal which is, giving my parents what they dont have. I'm not going to blame anyone especially parents but I do blame myself for this whole thing. Dear myself, there will always a way and for now I want to believe in magic that exist in this world and of course God's power. Hang in there dear little heart, hurting yourself can be more worthy than let the peoples you love hurts by others.
